How Not To Buy a House
Buying a house is supposed to be a thoughtful, strategic move. But where’s the fun in that? Why waste time on research, budgeting, or logic when you can dive headfirst into one of the biggest financial commitments of your life with blind optimism and bad advice? In this guide, we’ll walk you through the most gloriously terrible ways to buy a home—so you can learn what not to do by example.
Don’t Do Any Research
Real estate is all about feelings. If a house “feels right,” it is right. Forget comparing prices, researching neighborhoods, or checking crime rates. You don’t need to know what the local schools are like—you’re not buying education, you’re buying vibes.
Buy at the Top of the Market
Timing is for losers. If everyone else is panic-buying and prices are sky-high, jump right in. It’s not like bubbles ever burst, right? Buy when FOMO is highest. After all, it’s better to regret a rushed decision than feel left out.
Ignore Your Budget
Budgets are restrictive. Don’t let some arbitrary number limit your dream. If the bank says you qualify for a $500,000 mortgage, then obviously you can afford a $750,000 house. Remember, if you manifest it, the money will come.
Waive All Inspections
Nothing says “I trust this 100-year-old house with mysterious smells” like waiving the inspection. Termites? Mold? A cracked foundation? Those are just details. What matters is that the kitchen has quartz countertops and there’s a “live, laugh, love” sign in the foyer.
Choose a Terrible Mortgage
Adjustable-rate? Interest-only? Balloon payment after three years? Perfect. The more complex the loan terms, the more exciting the future. Never ask questions. Just sign quickly so you don’t lose the house to someone else who also doesn’t understand what they’re signing.
Skip Pre-Approval
Go house hunting first. Make offers on properties you can’t afford yet. It adds suspense. Sellers love when buyers need “a little time” to figure out financing.
Buy Based on Social Media Aesthetics
You’re not just buying a home—you’re buying a lifestyle. Choose the one that photographs best for Instagram. Never mind the commute, noisy neighbors, or lack of plumbing. If it looks good on TikTok, it’s obviously a wise investment.
Drain All Your Savings for the Down Payment
Who needs an emergency fund when you have exposed brick and a walk-in closet? Put every last penny into the house. Then cross your fingers that the roof doesn’t leak or your car doesn’t die the next day.
Ignore Resale Value
This is your forever home (until it isn’t). Who cares if no one else would ever buy it again? Unique charm = negative equity, but at least it’ll be your unique mess.
Conclusion
Buying a house should be chaotic, emotional, and expensive—ideally all at once. Follow this advice if you want to max out your mortgage, ruin your credit, and turn your dream home into a financial nightmare. After all, isn’t that the real American dream?
