How Not to Hunt
Every year, thousands of people head out into the wilderness hoping to bag something more than just stories. If you’re new to hunting—or just looking to do it completely wrong—here are some tongue-in-cheek “tips” for how not to do it.
1. Dress Like a Bush… or Maybe a Firetruck
Sure, safety guidelines say wear red or blaze orange so other hunters can see you. But animals can see red too, right? So go full camouflage—blend into the trees, disappear completely. What’s a little risk of friendly fire when you’re fashion-forward in camo?
2. Circle of Fire
Hunting quail in a group? Surround them. Literally. Form a circle, close in slowly, and when they fly—everyone shoots! A perfect strategy with minimal crossfire… probably. Pro tip: trust that everyone else in your circle paid attention to the actual safety briefing.
3. That Safety Catch Slows You Down
Guns come with a safety for a reason, but real pros know it just slows your reaction time. Just leave it off—it’s faster, edgier, and way more exciting. What could go wrong?
4. Alcohol and Guns Don’t Mix (Unless It’s Beer)
Yes, everyone says don’t drink while hunting… but beer hardly counts, right? It’s practically water. Besides, a couple cold ones help fight dehydration. If it comes in a can and tastes like wheat soda, it’s probably fine. Bottoms up.
5. Use the Wrong Weapon (for the Right Thrill)
Experts say use a shotgun for birds, a rifle for big game. But where’s the fun in that? Why not try duck hunting with a high-powered rifle? It’s challenging, unpredictable, and might even work. Once. Maybe.
6. Any Dog Will Do
Can’t afford a trained hunting dog? No problem. Your couch potato pup has natural instincts. Just point at the woods and say “Fetch!” Dogs understand that, right?
7. Endangered Means Rare (and Collectible!)
Some animals are labeled endangered. That just means they’re harder to find. Think of it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get that ultra-rare trophy before it’s gone forever. Who needs laws when you’ve got bragging rights?
Disclaimer:
If it’s not obvious, this guide is not to be taken seriously. Hunting should always be done safely, legally, ethically, and with deep respect for wildlife and the outdoors. Don’t be that guy.
This article was originally published in 2009 and has been republished for archival and entertainment purposes. Please don’t actually follow this advice.