How Not To Get a Job

Few things are more stressful than a job interview. There are entire shelves of books dedicated to how to land a job—what to wear, how to behave, what to say. But let’s be honest: everyone covers what to do. What about what not to do?

We’ve got you covered. If you’re looking to avoid getting hired, this is your definitive guide.

Personal Habits

Chewing gum during your interview? Absolutely. Some people say it’s rude, but chewing relaxes your jaw and gives your face a chill, casual vibe. Bonus: you’ll look like someone who’s too cool to care.

Same with smoking. Nothing says “executive material” like lighting up mid-interview. It calms the nerves and adds that James Dean mystique.

Dress code

There’s this myth that you should “dress for the job you want.” Blazer for an executive role, modest wear for a teaching job, and so on. Nonsense.

Wear what you feel comfortable in. If your day-to-day outfit is jeans, a hoodie, and a baseball cap—rock it. Even for that boardroom gig. It shows authenticity and that you’re not some corporate drone.

Politically Correct

Avoiding controversial topics like politics and religion? Not on our watch.

Go deep. Share your most radical opinions. Turn that job interview into a TED Talk on your worldview. Employers love to hire people who challenge the status quo—even if that means bringing up conspiracy theories during the HR screening.

Control

Don’t let the interviewer steer the conversation. Cut them off. Talk over them. Monopolize the entire time.

Why risk being misunderstood when you can make sure they only hear your side of the story?

Brutal Honesty

When they ask about your previous job, don’t sugarcoat it. Fired for punching your boss? Say it with pride. That’s called direct feedback management.

Your honesty will be “refreshing.”

Addictions

Got a history with drugs or alcohol? Lay it all out. Whether you’re in recovery or still working on it, transparency is key. Let your interviewer know you’re the full package—baggage included.

The Perfect Resume

Forget accuracy. Honesty is overrated. Fill that resume like it’s your autobiography.

List every skill you’ve ever dreamed of having. Claim fluency in six languages, include jobs you never had, degrees you never earned, and software you’ve only seen in movies. Odds are, they’ll never check.

Punctuality

Being on time is for desperate people. You don’t want to look too eager.

Show up 15 to 45 minutes late. It says, “I’m busy, important, and I run on my own schedule.” A real power move.

Salary Negotiation

Always shoot high. Ask for double the going rate.

If you’re aiming for $50k, ask for $100k. Employers love confidence and, hey, you might just get lucky. Ambition always pays (eventually).

Communications Skills

Keep your phone on. Better yet, answer it during the interview.

Text someone, scroll Instagram, take a quick call—especially while the interviewer is talking. It sends a message: I have options.

Testing

If they ask you to take a personality or psych test, refuse. That’s private stuff.

Why let them uncover your charming personality flaws before you’re even hired? Keep the mystery alive.

Conclusion

So there you have it: a complete, foolproof guide to not getting the job.

Follow these steps and you’ll be free to continue your job search (indefinitely). You’re welcome.

Originally published in 2009. Republishing here for your amusement and strategic confusion.