How Not To Play Chess
Originally published in 2009. Republishing here for your amusement and strategic confusion.
Chess is one of the oldest games in existence, with a history stretching back over a thousand years. Entire libraries have been written about it, filled with theories, strategies, and the exploits of legendary Grandmasters. But let’s be honest—who has time for all that?
Welcome to the definitive guide on how not to play chess. Whether you’re a beginner looking to lose with style or a seasoned player hoping to unlearn everything, this is the anti-strategy manual you didn’t know you needed.
Here you have the top 10 tips on how to win the game.
1. Always move as quickly as you can.
Don’t think about the move, just do it. That’ll make your opponent think that you really know how to play. Plus perhaps you get lucky and make a really good move.
2. Pawns are useless.
They can only move forward 1 square at a time. Don’t pay much attention to them, they are not important pieces. Who cares if you lose a few.
3. Your Queen on the other hand…
That’s the piece you should be using! It’s your most powerful piece. Forget about the other pieces. You can win the game by only using your Queen.
4. Don’t castle. Ever.
Why do you want to move the king to a “safe place”, in a corner? He is “The Man”…the King! He needs to be in the middle of the action. It’s not like if you lose your King you lose the game…right?
5. Go for quick checkmate.
Remember, the purpose of the game is to kill the other King. So don’t waste any time. Send all your pieces after the King as soon as you start the game. Just move your pieces towards the King.
6. Don’t pay attention to the moves your opponent makes.
It’s not like he really knows what he is doing. Nobody can think more than 2 moves ahead anyway. Just focus on your moves, only one move ahead .
7. Eat everything.
If it looks like your opponent is giving away a piece a little to easily…don’t even think about it! Just eat it! Who cares if its a trap, gambit or whatever. It’s another piece you get to take away!
8. Openings are not important.
Whats the point of learning tried and proven openings that everyone knows and have been using for hundreds of years? Make up your own opening and surprise everyone…you might do better than Grand Masters!
9. Don’t waste money studying chess.
Books , Chess clubs, etc., are only for people with vey little natural talent. You on the other hand, apart from your natural instinct and intelligence, have the advantage of reading this article!
Coming soon our new “how not to play chess” book, that IS worth reading!
10. Control the side squares.
Every master says that the important squares to control are the center ones. We don’t think so. By controlling the side squares first, you can advance your pieces faster and eventually surround your opponent.
Bonus Tip:
11. Never accept a draw. If you are following our tips you cant lose anyway, so why settle for less.
Final Thoughts
Follow these rules and you will see very quickly the results in your matches.
If by any chance these tips don’t work, try doing the opposite.
