How Not to Start a Business
Starting a business can be the most rewarding and challenging experience of your life. But let’s be honest — everyone talks about what to do. We’re here to show you the real path to failure. If your dream is to waste money, destroy your confidence, and maybe ruin a few relationships in the process, follow this guide step-by-step.
Step 1: Don’t Research Anything
Business plans are for nerds. Instead of wasting your time analyzing the market, identifying competitors, or understanding customer needs, just go with your gut. Open a vegan sushi restaurant in a meat-lover’s neighborhood. Genius.
Step 2: Skip the Budget
Why bother with spreadsheets or financial planning? You’ve got a good feeling about this idea. Use your life savings, max out your credit cards, and borrow from your grandma — without a clue of how much you’ll actually need. What could go wrong?
Step 3: Get Fancy with Everything
Logo design? Hire a famous agency. Website? Make it all animated with a loading screen. Office space? Lease that expensive downtown spot immediately. Don’t worry that you haven’t made a single sale yet. The vibe is what matters.
Step 4: Build First, Ask Later
Don’t ask potential customers if they want your product. Build it first — ideally something complicated, expensive, and completely untested. If no one buys it, clearly, they just didn’t understand your vision.
Step 5: Keep It a Secret
Avoid sharing your idea with anyone. Someone might steal it! That’s why you shouldn’t test it, post about it, or tell people what you’re building. When you launch, the world will be shocked — and confused.
Step 6: Try to Do Everything Yourself
Marketing? Accounting? App development? Do it all on your own — even if you have no experience. Why trust professionals when you have YouTube and blind optimism?
Step 7: Ignore Feedback
When people start giving you advice, feedback, or criticism, just brush it off. Your business is your baby. Babies don’t need criticism, they need unconditional applause — even when they scream for hours and destroy your sleep.
Step 8: Market Like It’s 1998
Forget social media, SEO, or influencer partnerships. Print flyers and tape them to light poles. Maybe hand out business cards at the mall. If people don’t see your vision in Comic Sans on neon green paper, that’s on them.
Step 9: Hire Friends and Family
Don’t worry about experience or skillsets. Hire your cousin who’s “between jobs” as your CFO. Ask your best friend to run marketing because she has 200 Instagram followers. Loyalty over competence, always.
Step 10: Expect Instant Success
If you’re not rich in 3 months, quit. A real business should “go viral,” make you a millionaire overnight, and get featured on TV. If it doesn’t happen fast, it’s obviously not meant to be.
Final Thoughts
Starting a business is hard. But failing at one? That’s easy — especially if you follow our advice. In case you ever change your mind and want to succeed, maybe try doing the exact opposite.